Why do I want to be a writer? That’s a question I’ve been asking myself for a time, and that has since lost track of itself. I’ve revised, rewritten, retyped, and removed altogether several potential linguistic symphonies from this very page.
To start anew, I began showing enthusiasm towards language when I was in my first high school English course, and my aptitude for writing was recognized a short while later. When I started writing creatively for myself, that’s when I started to develop not only as a writer, but as a person too.
Appropriately, I’ve been reading since I was a relatively young boy. It’s good to say that the abundance of works that I enjoy has scaled appropriately with my love for literature. That is to say, the books I read originate from authors like Shakespeare, Edger Allan Poe, stretching across the vast floor of the local Coles book store, all the way to influences like James Patterson, Nick Hornby, and many others.
Once I had initially discovered how fond I was of writing, it didn’t take too much for me to find myself in a reverie full of inks, parchments and a real sense of self. Trying to compose my own personal masterpieces on paper has always brought that true sense of satisfaction I had been craving. Writing has always been this way for me; it has always been multifaceted. It’s simple and complex, an outlet of creativity and a repertoire of my own personal growth. On the whole, my understanding of language has evolved with my exceeding use of it. It’s relatively inspiring when I can turn things like mere words we throw around casually into my own personal form of art.
My ability to succeed in a career of professional writing is enforced by the experiences that I’ve had, both personal, and academic. Every experience has progressed, attributed to, and impacted my skill and maturity as a writer. For example, in September of 2009, I dedicated myself to publishing one personal blog per week to a website called blogspot (breathandread.blogspot.com). After a couple of months of writing about something as monotonous as my life, it started to become educational. I eventually discovered that the frequency of the renewal for my blogs had not rendered them dry, but perhaps sapped all of the original interest out of them. All of a sudden an adept use of language and a cynical tone wasn’t enough. In attempt to obscure the repetition and the monotony of all the blogs, I had to figure out different techniques of drawing the information out of everyday occurrences and stating the sometimes ‘profound’ relevance in them. This, of all things, was a monumental learning experience.
In conclusion, I recognize that I have not yet reached the plateau of my writing ability. Given the chance, I would value the opportunity of learning from others around me; I would welcome feedback and constructive criticisms with open arms. It would be more than an opportunity to be able to academically widen the horizons of what I write, and how I do it; it would be one of the greatest learning experiences of my life. It would be much more than an ambition to write for a living, it would be what I can only define as purpose.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Monday, November 23, 2009
what's it like? it's terrible.
Hey guys,
So lately I’ve been trying to adopt a more varied outlook on things. I’ve really been taken a hold of by the philosophy course that I’ve been working at online. Taking a brief, but intriguing view on the course material got me excited in terms of how it’s all going to play out.
The first module was on Metaphysics, and I’m definitely correct in assuming that it’s something I’m going to enjoy. As to why I’m into it so much, I’m not particularly sure. The questionable study of reality is somewhat soothing to me now, and I find that kind of ironic. The abyss of questions without answers really used to freak me out, to be honest. Now, whenever a thought-provoking and vaguely profound statement presents itself, it always seems to grab a hold of me. At least now, I’m okay with that.
I’m not sure if that’s a drastic change in character on my part, or if those kinds of sinuous developments take place in everyone. I think being able to fit into your own mold is important, but I think these molds are crafted and customized differently for everyone. Makes me wonder where mine was imported from, and what kind satirically influenced strangers I can hold responsible. Rest assured though, I’ll probably continue striving for the answers to the important questions until I at least understand my own tendencies. Or at the very least, until I understand my need to understand these things, ha.
Working consistently throughout the school year is just about an appropriately solidified disappointment of everything I had begun to expect it would be. I never really thought it would require the balance of a trapeze artist though, being able to do my job whilst living and learning simultaneously. While mute audiences hold their breath and wait for you to fall; sometimes I wonder if they’d cheer either way. If all the audience wants is something they can’t get at home, maybe all the consuming masochist of the public wants is to see somebody else fail for a change. Entertainment can be provided with astonishing performances, and perhaps even some astonishing failures.
Nevertheless, I’m becoming somewhat adequate with juggling my schooling in one hand, whilst juggling my job and the funding for the continuation of my education in the other. That’s sort of ironic too, but it’s one of the ironies that allow me some comfort in knowing that I’m powerless to do anything about it, that way I really don’t have to try. That’s a kind of bliss in itself.
What’s really great about all of this is that I think I’ve recovered a fragment of what life might be like when I’m out of here. It’s probably healthy for me to have some elements of life illustrated for me. Although on the contrary, I would really rather be out there myself; living learning and breathing my own life. As opposed to taking a seat in the familiar and overgrown chair in front the knowledgeable black board of experience, and having everything drawn out for me.
That’s it for now,
See you next time.
So lately I’ve been trying to adopt a more varied outlook on things. I’ve really been taken a hold of by the philosophy course that I’ve been working at online. Taking a brief, but intriguing view on the course material got me excited in terms of how it’s all going to play out.
The first module was on Metaphysics, and I’m definitely correct in assuming that it’s something I’m going to enjoy. As to why I’m into it so much, I’m not particularly sure. The questionable study of reality is somewhat soothing to me now, and I find that kind of ironic. The abyss of questions without answers really used to freak me out, to be honest. Now, whenever a thought-provoking and vaguely profound statement presents itself, it always seems to grab a hold of me. At least now, I’m okay with that.
I’m not sure if that’s a drastic change in character on my part, or if those kinds of sinuous developments take place in everyone. I think being able to fit into your own mold is important, but I think these molds are crafted and customized differently for everyone. Makes me wonder where mine was imported from, and what kind satirically influenced strangers I can hold responsible. Rest assured though, I’ll probably continue striving for the answers to the important questions until I at least understand my own tendencies. Or at the very least, until I understand my need to understand these things, ha.
Working consistently throughout the school year is just about an appropriately solidified disappointment of everything I had begun to expect it would be. I never really thought it would require the balance of a trapeze artist though, being able to do my job whilst living and learning simultaneously. While mute audiences hold their breath and wait for you to fall; sometimes I wonder if they’d cheer either way. If all the audience wants is something they can’t get at home, maybe all the consuming masochist of the public wants is to see somebody else fail for a change. Entertainment can be provided with astonishing performances, and perhaps even some astonishing failures.
Nevertheless, I’m becoming somewhat adequate with juggling my schooling in one hand, whilst juggling my job and the funding for the continuation of my education in the other. That’s sort of ironic too, but it’s one of the ironies that allow me some comfort in knowing that I’m powerless to do anything about it, that way I really don’t have to try. That’s a kind of bliss in itself.
What’s really great about all of this is that I think I’ve recovered a fragment of what life might be like when I’m out of here. It’s probably healthy for me to have some elements of life illustrated for me. Although on the contrary, I would really rather be out there myself; living learning and breathing my own life. As opposed to taking a seat in the familiar and overgrown chair in front the knowledgeable black board of experience, and having everything drawn out for me.
That’s it for now,
See you next time.
Monday, November 9, 2009
it's just a phase
Hey guys,
Everything is going steady, work is monotonous as all hell; but it’s a monotony I can deal with. School is as disconcerting as ever, my classes for next semester have already been caught in one of the several cluster-fucks that surround the scheduling system at CCVS.
The mayhem that ensued after I’d finalized my time at school is what really got the ball rolling on the now jarring state of disarray I’ve found myself in. I guess if anything I’d have to be satisfied with being at the very least, caught in the crossfire in the battle for my education.
In other news, today I stumbled across a different kind of irony I was not fully aware of. I opened one of the rare packs of cigarettes I rarely have the opportunity to treat myself with, and upon doing so; I habitually discarded the “You can quit smoking!” article that always remains inside. My eyes followed it lazily as it drifted toward the ground; this is when I came across a sea of other ‘habitually’ discarded items.
There were several other “You can quit smoking!” cards askew, there were flyers rolling across the street, bearing “Stop Littering!” slogans. I allowed myself to broaden my perspective and to plunge little bit deeper into this dump truck of a city. I saw teenage mothers idly smoking cigarettes. Their toddlers only a facet of the susurrations around them, only another car going by; or maybe just another warning on the label for a warning against second-hand smoke.
In a rather abominable perspective, this provided me with some comfort. I always thought one of my many faults would have been attributed to my insouciance, or maybe just by my failure to prioritize things properly. Having a second glimpse at the horrid society around me though, I see that’s really not my problem at all.
Everyday people walk by systems that have been designed to integrate elements of failure into such a healthy and procedural way, that the residue of failure would eventually be forced out of the equation. The problem here resides in the fact that nobody gives a shit about systems like this anymore. Smoking rates are still on the incline, teen pregnancy seems to walk out its trashy front door nearly every morning I walk by. Appropriately, pollution rates are finally starting to settle down, but even still, we’ve never been this close to a ‘climate change’
At this point in my life, giving a shit is really starting to look like a phase, like smoking, or several other trends that we see everyday. The mountains of erroneous garbage we surround ourselves in really only provide these kinds of solutions. Who can really think about not smoking, or running to garbage can for their bottles’ especially when people are trying to represent and maintain their superficiality in a composed fashion… Whilst raising kids and having to struggle through all of their battles between themselves and all of these systems.
Correspondingly, today these systems make themselves apparent. They stop posting flyers and thrusting advertisements down my throat. They make themselves known, their superficial and genuine concerns melded so tightly together now, even I can’t tell the difference.
The irony silhouettes the only system that has ever proved to be both commonly and effectively used, the one I’m referring to of course resides within the method of not giving a shit. I therefore encourage you do to so as well. Give as little shit as you can, do whatever you need to; smoke whatever you need to smoke to get yourself through the day, and by no means don’t ever try and quit for anyone but yourself.
Hopefully though, when enough of the prolls have thrown at the rising mortality rate; so even blind saints can stare upon them in awe. Maybe then we’ll find the change we’ve been looking for, maybe then we’ll find a system that works.
Everything is going steady, work is monotonous as all hell; but it’s a monotony I can deal with. School is as disconcerting as ever, my classes for next semester have already been caught in one of the several cluster-fucks that surround the scheduling system at CCVS.
The mayhem that ensued after I’d finalized my time at school is what really got the ball rolling on the now jarring state of disarray I’ve found myself in. I guess if anything I’d have to be satisfied with being at the very least, caught in the crossfire in the battle for my education.
In other news, today I stumbled across a different kind of irony I was not fully aware of. I opened one of the rare packs of cigarettes I rarely have the opportunity to treat myself with, and upon doing so; I habitually discarded the “You can quit smoking!” article that always remains inside. My eyes followed it lazily as it drifted toward the ground; this is when I came across a sea of other ‘habitually’ discarded items.
There were several other “You can quit smoking!” cards askew, there were flyers rolling across the street, bearing “Stop Littering!” slogans. I allowed myself to broaden my perspective and to plunge little bit deeper into this dump truck of a city. I saw teenage mothers idly smoking cigarettes. Their toddlers only a facet of the susurrations around them, only another car going by; or maybe just another warning on the label for a warning against second-hand smoke.
In a rather abominable perspective, this provided me with some comfort. I always thought one of my many faults would have been attributed to my insouciance, or maybe just by my failure to prioritize things properly. Having a second glimpse at the horrid society around me though, I see that’s really not my problem at all.
Everyday people walk by systems that have been designed to integrate elements of failure into such a healthy and procedural way, that the residue of failure would eventually be forced out of the equation. The problem here resides in the fact that nobody gives a shit about systems like this anymore. Smoking rates are still on the incline, teen pregnancy seems to walk out its trashy front door nearly every morning I walk by. Appropriately, pollution rates are finally starting to settle down, but even still, we’ve never been this close to a ‘climate change’
At this point in my life, giving a shit is really starting to look like a phase, like smoking, or several other trends that we see everyday. The mountains of erroneous garbage we surround ourselves in really only provide these kinds of solutions. Who can really think about not smoking, or running to garbage can for their bottles’ especially when people are trying to represent and maintain their superficiality in a composed fashion… Whilst raising kids and having to struggle through all of their battles between themselves and all of these systems.
Correspondingly, today these systems make themselves apparent. They stop posting flyers and thrusting advertisements down my throat. They make themselves known, their superficial and genuine concerns melded so tightly together now, even I can’t tell the difference.
The irony silhouettes the only system that has ever proved to be both commonly and effectively used, the one I’m referring to of course resides within the method of not giving a shit. I therefore encourage you do to so as well. Give as little shit as you can, do whatever you need to; smoke whatever you need to smoke to get yourself through the day, and by no means don’t ever try and quit for anyone but yourself.
Hopefully though, when enough of the prolls have thrown at the rising mortality rate; so even blind saints can stare upon them in awe. Maybe then we’ll find the change we’ve been looking for, maybe then we’ll find a system that works.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Swollen feet cemented into wheat
Hey guys,
Everything is fucked up and fantastic. This week I’m definitely able to say that I’ve taken a step outside of my own body, and taken a look at things from someone else’s shoes. The only thing is, the bastard who let me borrow the shoes seems to have welded them onto my insurmountably blasphemous feet. Not only are these reject loaners three sizes too small, but they are both miss-matched and left footed shoes. The result has left me waltzing around town with absolutely no sense of balance and an authentically fucked up perspective on things.
This outlook that I’m referring to is in a sense, a retrospective manner, or even simply a retrospective way of thinking. Either way, so far it’s not a complete waste of time. The ability of being able to hit your mental ‘pause’ button at will is some what of a technique; one that I have not mastered yet. Though it is definitely something I’m able to appreciate. I’m fond of the concept of taking a look at the ‘big picture’ while you’re on the threshold of draping yourself passively over some moronic shenanigans. Saves time, you see.
Not only does it sometimes bowdlerize the hell out of my routinely “Damnit, why would I do this?” segment out of my work week; but the futuristic perspective that it offers is a tantalizing portion of the idealistic plan that I’ve formulated.
Appropriately, by widening my perspective on things it does truly allow me some different sides of different stories. Loquacious as I am, sometimes it’s nice to cut the shit; and just get on with things. That is to say, the fashion of understanding at first glance is comforting.
Furthermore, looking at the stupid community in general, as a race of obtuse and doomed people; makes things nearly fathomable. Instead of striving to comprehend the boisterous kind of frivolity that confronts me on a daily basis. This method keeps my emergency-sanity-stash well in stock, and the dangers of my brain imploding inside my skull at an all-time low.
So, I’ll keep on taking my time with everything. I’m really satisfied with the how steadily the abundance of sinuous turns having been coming at me; these winding roads are innocuous and educational. I feel as though I’ve been driving down the highway of change for a very long time. I only see that now, though things have picked up, nothing’s really effectively being changed either. I was initially under the pretense that this road was going somewhere, though apparently I’ve been speeding for nothing.
So, I’m going to humor myself with some faith and improvidence, keeping my eyes wide for any turns that are to come. If perchance one of these turns happens to be an exit to an alternative way of living, I’ll probably just tilt my head sideways like dogs do; just before going on a car ride or being thrown a treat. Hopefully, not too fixated on the permutations of joy and exitement to forget to signal before I get the fuck out of here.
Everything is fucked up and fantastic. This week I’m definitely able to say that I’ve taken a step outside of my own body, and taken a look at things from someone else’s shoes. The only thing is, the bastard who let me borrow the shoes seems to have welded them onto my insurmountably blasphemous feet. Not only are these reject loaners three sizes too small, but they are both miss-matched and left footed shoes. The result has left me waltzing around town with absolutely no sense of balance and an authentically fucked up perspective on things.
This outlook that I’m referring to is in a sense, a retrospective manner, or even simply a retrospective way of thinking. Either way, so far it’s not a complete waste of time. The ability of being able to hit your mental ‘pause’ button at will is some what of a technique; one that I have not mastered yet. Though it is definitely something I’m able to appreciate. I’m fond of the concept of taking a look at the ‘big picture’ while you’re on the threshold of draping yourself passively over some moronic shenanigans. Saves time, you see.
Not only does it sometimes bowdlerize the hell out of my routinely “Damnit, why would I do this?” segment out of my work week; but the futuristic perspective that it offers is a tantalizing portion of the idealistic plan that I’ve formulated.
Appropriately, by widening my perspective on things it does truly allow me some different sides of different stories. Loquacious as I am, sometimes it’s nice to cut the shit; and just get on with things. That is to say, the fashion of understanding at first glance is comforting.
Furthermore, looking at the stupid community in general, as a race of obtuse and doomed people; makes things nearly fathomable. Instead of striving to comprehend the boisterous kind of frivolity that confronts me on a daily basis. This method keeps my emergency-sanity-stash well in stock, and the dangers of my brain imploding inside my skull at an all-time low.
So, I’ll keep on taking my time with everything. I’m really satisfied with the how steadily the abundance of sinuous turns having been coming at me; these winding roads are innocuous and educational. I feel as though I’ve been driving down the highway of change for a very long time. I only see that now, though things have picked up, nothing’s really effectively being changed either. I was initially under the pretense that this road was going somewhere, though apparently I’ve been speeding for nothing.
So, I’m going to humor myself with some faith and improvidence, keeping my eyes wide for any turns that are to come. If perchance one of these turns happens to be an exit to an alternative way of living, I’ll probably just tilt my head sideways like dogs do; just before going on a car ride or being thrown a treat. Hopefully, not too fixated on the permutations of joy and exitement to forget to signal before I get the fuck out of here.
Monday, October 19, 2009
'i found narnia' 'no you didn't.' '.. oh, ok.'
Hey guys,
To start things off, my ears are healing wonderfully. I’m satisfied to say that they have both made enormous improvements, and with more consistency in treatment, they should be back to their normal (gauged) size within a little more than a month. Considering the severity of the damage that was inflicted to them, I consider myself very fortunate.
Work is also good, it’s nice to say I can go to the same job everyday, and still feel the need to burgeon myself against those around me. I enjoy the refulgent status someone of my youth can inflict on the wearied people that I work with. Sure, there are downsides to it like any job, these downsides however, are short lasting or fugacious at best. There is a certain irritability that can be invoked within me, when I have to record credit card numbers from the dyslexic, but like many things; it is easily remedied with but just knowledge, and some patience.
As for school, my mind is made up. I’m going to try and resuscitate several years of irresponsibility and misplaced insouciance in one final semester of high school.
This is probably the most financially unwise move I could make, what with more wasted time and the high probability that this will not be working out for me. However, in the reverie that I’ve found within the reserves of my sanity, this is worth it.
Within this delectation of chance that I’ve enveloped myself inside of securely, there is an unknown optimism that fuels me. Comparable only towards a small child that found Narnia, it’s an unreasonable source of optimism. But I am full of the exculpation and sense of wonder that I need to proceed; and like Rosy, I will dress myself appropriately for the esurient skies ahead me.
Already there are words of wisdom ringing in my ears, and they remind me dimly like susurrations of the winds and leaves that I hear every morning. Nothing quite distinct, just monotonous tones blended into repetition, and spit out onto blank cheques… not so much like the winds or the leaves though.
I dreamt rather vaguely about these words of wisdom, that ten thousand veiled faces we’re screaming rehearsed concerns into my skull. The ignorance of the modern man coated every one of their syllables like the silhouette of cold air on our winter’s snow.
I woke with a wearied mind, drawn out by their false sense of entitlement to my future. Seeing the parallels there, I’m going to start setting my watch at least 12 hours ahead of everyone else’s. In hope that the catalyst of time will also lead me under the false pretense that my future is up for debate at large. Not that I am concerned that my own sense of entitlement is being spread out evenly amongst the commoners, I don’t think it’s unreasonable that I should get a piece of that pie.
Correspondingly, I feel the need to ask myself some questions. Am I ready to the take the leap off a cliff that could land me in a potentially devastating pool of change? Or even more likely, leave me staring dully into the beady black eyes of failure? Absolutely.
That’s it for me this week; new blogs will continue to be put out on Mondays.
To start things off, my ears are healing wonderfully. I’m satisfied to say that they have both made enormous improvements, and with more consistency in treatment, they should be back to their normal (gauged) size within a little more than a month. Considering the severity of the damage that was inflicted to them, I consider myself very fortunate.
Work is also good, it’s nice to say I can go to the same job everyday, and still feel the need to burgeon myself against those around me. I enjoy the refulgent status someone of my youth can inflict on the wearied people that I work with. Sure, there are downsides to it like any job, these downsides however, are short lasting or fugacious at best. There is a certain irritability that can be invoked within me, when I have to record credit card numbers from the dyslexic, but like many things; it is easily remedied with but just knowledge, and some patience.
As for school, my mind is made up. I’m going to try and resuscitate several years of irresponsibility and misplaced insouciance in one final semester of high school.
This is probably the most financially unwise move I could make, what with more wasted time and the high probability that this will not be working out for me. However, in the reverie that I’ve found within the reserves of my sanity, this is worth it.
Within this delectation of chance that I’ve enveloped myself inside of securely, there is an unknown optimism that fuels me. Comparable only towards a small child that found Narnia, it’s an unreasonable source of optimism. But I am full of the exculpation and sense of wonder that I need to proceed; and like Rosy, I will dress myself appropriately for the esurient skies ahead me.
Already there are words of wisdom ringing in my ears, and they remind me dimly like susurrations of the winds and leaves that I hear every morning. Nothing quite distinct, just monotonous tones blended into repetition, and spit out onto blank cheques… not so much like the winds or the leaves though.
I dreamt rather vaguely about these words of wisdom, that ten thousand veiled faces we’re screaming rehearsed concerns into my skull. The ignorance of the modern man coated every one of their syllables like the silhouette of cold air on our winter’s snow.
I woke with a wearied mind, drawn out by their false sense of entitlement to my future. Seeing the parallels there, I’m going to start setting my watch at least 12 hours ahead of everyone else’s. In hope that the catalyst of time will also lead me under the false pretense that my future is up for debate at large. Not that I am concerned that my own sense of entitlement is being spread out evenly amongst the commoners, I don’t think it’s unreasonable that I should get a piece of that pie.
Correspondingly, I feel the need to ask myself some questions. Am I ready to the take the leap off a cliff that could land me in a potentially devastating pool of change? Or even more likely, leave me staring dully into the beady black eyes of failure? Absolutely.
That’s it for me this week; new blogs will continue to be put out on Mondays.
Monday, October 12, 2009
it's always self-inflicted
Hey guys,
This past week has been good, I’ve been weighing a lot of things internally and I’m pleased with the self drawn conclusions that I’ve come up with.
We’ll start with the downers first though. Late this week I suffered a blowout/infection on both of my ear gauges, needless to say the fault lies within my egocentric improvidence to see the outcomes of things like this. I’ve been treating my ears religiously for the last couple of days, and hopefully with enough care and some luck, they’ll end up back to normal.
My classes are okay, they leave me kind of insensate but that was obvious even when I picked them. Things get so dry behind those doors that my sanity is nearly palpable once it’s left me, it practically coats the doors and the ceiling tiles; so everyone can gaze up to understand the degree of my stultification.
But then, it’s Thanksgiving already! As of late, my senile tendencies have hardly been put on a brief hold, out of notice for the convivial jubilee of turkey. The abundance of close family and friends this last week/end has put me in a reverie of inebriation, and at times, a sense of tranquility built only upon sobriety and friendly faces.
It’s like the stubborn heterodoxies that we’re weighing down the shoulders of my family and I, we’re lifted just long enough to instill a sense calamity. This same sense of calamity instilled a very genuine inkling of true optimism and thanks.
When I looked around this weekend I gave thanks, not to the food or the wine, but to the plethora of relationships I had surrounded myself in. I gave thanks to all the forms of fondness that were inside of me, some of which I had not known about.
These relationships were based on many things, whether the bonds we’re tied through blood, marriage, association and even morose adaptations; that brought me closer to these relationships, in ways I truly did not think possible.
To be meticulous, I give thanks to all of You. All of the people surrounding me, you are all luminary holes in heaven’s floor, my own personal stars to give me something to look up to, when all else is surrounded in the blackest of skies.
Finally, the time I’ve taken to ponder my grievances has really seen this last conterminous of time pass without any alleged faults or regrettable actions. I’ll keep running at these hurtles with everything I have, with an unfamiliar, but refreshing glimmer of Hope pushing me forwards.
There is some small sense now, that with time and patience; things may eventually be okay, and I’m starting to try and grasp that.
This past week has been good, I’ve been weighing a lot of things internally and I’m pleased with the self drawn conclusions that I’ve come up with.
We’ll start with the downers first though. Late this week I suffered a blowout/infection on both of my ear gauges, needless to say the fault lies within my egocentric improvidence to see the outcomes of things like this. I’ve been treating my ears religiously for the last couple of days, and hopefully with enough care and some luck, they’ll end up back to normal.
My classes are okay, they leave me kind of insensate but that was obvious even when I picked them. Things get so dry behind those doors that my sanity is nearly palpable once it’s left me, it practically coats the doors and the ceiling tiles; so everyone can gaze up to understand the degree of my stultification.
But then, it’s Thanksgiving already! As of late, my senile tendencies have hardly been put on a brief hold, out of notice for the convivial jubilee of turkey. The abundance of close family and friends this last week/end has put me in a reverie of inebriation, and at times, a sense of tranquility built only upon sobriety and friendly faces.
It’s like the stubborn heterodoxies that we’re weighing down the shoulders of my family and I, we’re lifted just long enough to instill a sense calamity. This same sense of calamity instilled a very genuine inkling of true optimism and thanks.
When I looked around this weekend I gave thanks, not to the food or the wine, but to the plethora of relationships I had surrounded myself in. I gave thanks to all the forms of fondness that were inside of me, some of which I had not known about.
These relationships were based on many things, whether the bonds we’re tied through blood, marriage, association and even morose adaptations; that brought me closer to these relationships, in ways I truly did not think possible.
To be meticulous, I give thanks to all of You. All of the people surrounding me, you are all luminary holes in heaven’s floor, my own personal stars to give me something to look up to, when all else is surrounded in the blackest of skies.
Finally, the time I’ve taken to ponder my grievances has really seen this last conterminous of time pass without any alleged faults or regrettable actions. I’ll keep running at these hurtles with everything I have, with an unfamiliar, but refreshing glimmer of Hope pushing me forwards.
There is some small sense now, that with time and patience; things may eventually be okay, and I’m starting to try and grasp that.
Monday, October 5, 2009
change of change of change
Hey guys,
This past week has been good, everything is very steady. I’ve been juggling work and school with adept skill; while still able to budget myself some time for inebriation; and that’s what really matters.
So, the university and college representatives made it down to my school. It was sort of disconcerting, to be honest. While they went through their many routines and Question and Answer segments, it felt to me like everyone in the room had silently acquiesced to leave their hometown behind, along with most of the people they knew… Just kidding, this absolutely enthralled me; and it has since propelled me further towards my goal on getting the fuck out of here.
That being said, I guess the representatives could say their visit down here was efficacious for the most part. Though, like most things, that little visit got me thinking.
I’m aware that I’m really not all that cognoscente about hating on most things surrounding me, but I am fairly adept at the concept. This made me think as to why things have come to be this way, I’ve got a sound grasp that some people have a predilection to hate on the world; but that’s not me. At least, it wasn’t before.
Of course, this realization, among other things, got me thinking even more; which eventually triggered a chain reaction, which will without a doubt eventually cause my head to explode. However, it did allow me to envision my current conundrum through a different perspective… allow me to explain.
The esurient gaucherie that I’ve run myself into depicts itself like a roller coaster; a social roller coaster. Whereas most deprived human beings will reach their peak of this roller coaster around my age, where they make some heart-felt decisions; and are sent on their way. Taking winding, sinuous turns all the way down; but with at the very least, some direction. My roller coaster, it seems, has stalled at the very peak of its tracks just before the plunge. Like something got jammed in its tracks and created some kind of disgusting interregnum within my equipoise. Leaving me gaping down foolishly while everyone else would blow by in swirls of freedom and injustice, though some would hesitate to lend a helping hand, or perhaps the help of a power-tool; they were all too ready to truly take their own plunges. That’s definitely something I now respect and envy, had I been more responsible in the past, I probably wouldn’t have to deal with this illegible future.
It’s almost as though my ability to mentally ameliorate the situations here is growing better, which I have recently learned is one of traits of a sociopath; neat. To be honest though, I did used to look at post-secondary education as our own personal fountain of youth, where we could drown ourselves in our own debt and the invariable unknown. While I still acknowledge this, I’ve never been more prepared to drown.
The main thing that has been cleared up here, for me anyway, is probably the ‘why’ behind it all. I’ve always been one to focus on the change, negative and positive. I thought I was very knowledgeable on how quickly things can bifurcate around you, and I embraced that concept. Again, the problem lays dormant inside the false sense of knowledge and security I had built myself. I am tired of the change in Cornwall, I am tired of seeing the same changes occur over and over again, being able to understand pages worth of garbage at first-glance is not a talent I’d rather possess.
I guess I need a change of change, because at this point in my life, even the susurration of known change can be monotonous. I guess what I’m asking for is to be pushed down that roller coaster by a generous gust of wind, bringing me closer to an obscure purpose I’d embrace with open arms.
As always, thanks for the feedback and I appreciate that a good sum of you keep on reading. For the next weekly update, it’ll be posted next week.
This past week has been good, everything is very steady. I’ve been juggling work and school with adept skill; while still able to budget myself some time for inebriation; and that’s what really matters.
So, the university and college representatives made it down to my school. It was sort of disconcerting, to be honest. While they went through their many routines and Question and Answer segments, it felt to me like everyone in the room had silently acquiesced to leave their hometown behind, along with most of the people they knew… Just kidding, this absolutely enthralled me; and it has since propelled me further towards my goal on getting the fuck out of here.
That being said, I guess the representatives could say their visit down here was efficacious for the most part. Though, like most things, that little visit got me thinking.
I’m aware that I’m really not all that cognoscente about hating on most things surrounding me, but I am fairly adept at the concept. This made me think as to why things have come to be this way, I’ve got a sound grasp that some people have a predilection to hate on the world; but that’s not me. At least, it wasn’t before.
Of course, this realization, among other things, got me thinking even more; which eventually triggered a chain reaction, which will without a doubt eventually cause my head to explode. However, it did allow me to envision my current conundrum through a different perspective… allow me to explain.
The esurient gaucherie that I’ve run myself into depicts itself like a roller coaster; a social roller coaster. Whereas most deprived human beings will reach their peak of this roller coaster around my age, where they make some heart-felt decisions; and are sent on their way. Taking winding, sinuous turns all the way down; but with at the very least, some direction. My roller coaster, it seems, has stalled at the very peak of its tracks just before the plunge. Like something got jammed in its tracks and created some kind of disgusting interregnum within my equipoise. Leaving me gaping down foolishly while everyone else would blow by in swirls of freedom and injustice, though some would hesitate to lend a helping hand, or perhaps the help of a power-tool; they were all too ready to truly take their own plunges. That’s definitely something I now respect and envy, had I been more responsible in the past, I probably wouldn’t have to deal with this illegible future.
It’s almost as though my ability to mentally ameliorate the situations here is growing better, which I have recently learned is one of traits of a sociopath; neat. To be honest though, I did used to look at post-secondary education as our own personal fountain of youth, where we could drown ourselves in our own debt and the invariable unknown. While I still acknowledge this, I’ve never been more prepared to drown.
The main thing that has been cleared up here, for me anyway, is probably the ‘why’ behind it all. I’ve always been one to focus on the change, negative and positive. I thought I was very knowledgeable on how quickly things can bifurcate around you, and I embraced that concept. Again, the problem lays dormant inside the false sense of knowledge and security I had built myself. I am tired of the change in Cornwall, I am tired of seeing the same changes occur over and over again, being able to understand pages worth of garbage at first-glance is not a talent I’d rather possess.
I guess I need a change of change, because at this point in my life, even the susurration of known change can be monotonous. I guess what I’m asking for is to be pushed down that roller coaster by a generous gust of wind, bringing me closer to an obscure purpose I’d embrace with open arms.
As always, thanks for the feedback and I appreciate that a good sum of you keep on reading. For the next weekly update, it’ll be posted next week.
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