Hey guys,
So lately I’ve been trying to adopt a more varied outlook on things. I’ve really been taken a hold of by the philosophy course that I’ve been working at online. Taking a brief, but intriguing view on the course material got me excited in terms of how it’s all going to play out.
The first module was on Metaphysics, and I’m definitely correct in assuming that it’s something I’m going to enjoy. As to why I’m into it so much, I’m not particularly sure. The questionable study of reality is somewhat soothing to me now, and I find that kind of ironic. The abyss of questions without answers really used to freak me out, to be honest. Now, whenever a thought-provoking and vaguely profound statement presents itself, it always seems to grab a hold of me. At least now, I’m okay with that.
I’m not sure if that’s a drastic change in character on my part, or if those kinds of sinuous developments take place in everyone. I think being able to fit into your own mold is important, but I think these molds are crafted and customized differently for everyone. Makes me wonder where mine was imported from, and what kind satirically influenced strangers I can hold responsible. Rest assured though, I’ll probably continue striving for the answers to the important questions until I at least understand my own tendencies. Or at the very least, until I understand my need to understand these things, ha.
Working consistently throughout the school year is just about an appropriately solidified disappointment of everything I had begun to expect it would be. I never really thought it would require the balance of a trapeze artist though, being able to do my job whilst living and learning simultaneously. While mute audiences hold their breath and wait for you to fall; sometimes I wonder if they’d cheer either way. If all the audience wants is something they can’t get at home, maybe all the consuming masochist of the public wants is to see somebody else fail for a change. Entertainment can be provided with astonishing performances, and perhaps even some astonishing failures.
Nevertheless, I’m becoming somewhat adequate with juggling my schooling in one hand, whilst juggling my job and the funding for the continuation of my education in the other. That’s sort of ironic too, but it’s one of the ironies that allow me some comfort in knowing that I’m powerless to do anything about it, that way I really don’t have to try. That’s a kind of bliss in itself.
What’s really great about all of this is that I think I’ve recovered a fragment of what life might be like when I’m out of here. It’s probably healthy for me to have some elements of life illustrated for me. Although on the contrary, I would really rather be out there myself; living learning and breathing my own life. As opposed to taking a seat in the familiar and overgrown chair in front the knowledgeable black board of experience, and having everything drawn out for me.
That’s it for now,
See you next time.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
it's just a phase
Hey guys,
Everything is going steady, work is monotonous as all hell; but it’s a monotony I can deal with. School is as disconcerting as ever, my classes for next semester have already been caught in one of the several cluster-fucks that surround the scheduling system at CCVS.
The mayhem that ensued after I’d finalized my time at school is what really got the ball rolling on the now jarring state of disarray I’ve found myself in. I guess if anything I’d have to be satisfied with being at the very least, caught in the crossfire in the battle for my education.
In other news, today I stumbled across a different kind of irony I was not fully aware of. I opened one of the rare packs of cigarettes I rarely have the opportunity to treat myself with, and upon doing so; I habitually discarded the “You can quit smoking!” article that always remains inside. My eyes followed it lazily as it drifted toward the ground; this is when I came across a sea of other ‘habitually’ discarded items.
There were several other “You can quit smoking!” cards askew, there were flyers rolling across the street, bearing “Stop Littering!” slogans. I allowed myself to broaden my perspective and to plunge little bit deeper into this dump truck of a city. I saw teenage mothers idly smoking cigarettes. Their toddlers only a facet of the susurrations around them, only another car going by; or maybe just another warning on the label for a warning against second-hand smoke.
In a rather abominable perspective, this provided me with some comfort. I always thought one of my many faults would have been attributed to my insouciance, or maybe just by my failure to prioritize things properly. Having a second glimpse at the horrid society around me though, I see that’s really not my problem at all.
Everyday people walk by systems that have been designed to integrate elements of failure into such a healthy and procedural way, that the residue of failure would eventually be forced out of the equation. The problem here resides in the fact that nobody gives a shit about systems like this anymore. Smoking rates are still on the incline, teen pregnancy seems to walk out its trashy front door nearly every morning I walk by. Appropriately, pollution rates are finally starting to settle down, but even still, we’ve never been this close to a ‘climate change’
At this point in my life, giving a shit is really starting to look like a phase, like smoking, or several other trends that we see everyday. The mountains of erroneous garbage we surround ourselves in really only provide these kinds of solutions. Who can really think about not smoking, or running to garbage can for their bottles’ especially when people are trying to represent and maintain their superficiality in a composed fashion… Whilst raising kids and having to struggle through all of their battles between themselves and all of these systems.
Correspondingly, today these systems make themselves apparent. They stop posting flyers and thrusting advertisements down my throat. They make themselves known, their superficial and genuine concerns melded so tightly together now, even I can’t tell the difference.
The irony silhouettes the only system that has ever proved to be both commonly and effectively used, the one I’m referring to of course resides within the method of not giving a shit. I therefore encourage you do to so as well. Give as little shit as you can, do whatever you need to; smoke whatever you need to smoke to get yourself through the day, and by no means don’t ever try and quit for anyone but yourself.
Hopefully though, when enough of the prolls have thrown at the rising mortality rate; so even blind saints can stare upon them in awe. Maybe then we’ll find the change we’ve been looking for, maybe then we’ll find a system that works.
Everything is going steady, work is monotonous as all hell; but it’s a monotony I can deal with. School is as disconcerting as ever, my classes for next semester have already been caught in one of the several cluster-fucks that surround the scheduling system at CCVS.
The mayhem that ensued after I’d finalized my time at school is what really got the ball rolling on the now jarring state of disarray I’ve found myself in. I guess if anything I’d have to be satisfied with being at the very least, caught in the crossfire in the battle for my education.
In other news, today I stumbled across a different kind of irony I was not fully aware of. I opened one of the rare packs of cigarettes I rarely have the opportunity to treat myself with, and upon doing so; I habitually discarded the “You can quit smoking!” article that always remains inside. My eyes followed it lazily as it drifted toward the ground; this is when I came across a sea of other ‘habitually’ discarded items.
There were several other “You can quit smoking!” cards askew, there were flyers rolling across the street, bearing “Stop Littering!” slogans. I allowed myself to broaden my perspective and to plunge little bit deeper into this dump truck of a city. I saw teenage mothers idly smoking cigarettes. Their toddlers only a facet of the susurrations around them, only another car going by; or maybe just another warning on the label for a warning against second-hand smoke.
In a rather abominable perspective, this provided me with some comfort. I always thought one of my many faults would have been attributed to my insouciance, or maybe just by my failure to prioritize things properly. Having a second glimpse at the horrid society around me though, I see that’s really not my problem at all.
Everyday people walk by systems that have been designed to integrate elements of failure into such a healthy and procedural way, that the residue of failure would eventually be forced out of the equation. The problem here resides in the fact that nobody gives a shit about systems like this anymore. Smoking rates are still on the incline, teen pregnancy seems to walk out its trashy front door nearly every morning I walk by. Appropriately, pollution rates are finally starting to settle down, but even still, we’ve never been this close to a ‘climate change’
At this point in my life, giving a shit is really starting to look like a phase, like smoking, or several other trends that we see everyday. The mountains of erroneous garbage we surround ourselves in really only provide these kinds of solutions. Who can really think about not smoking, or running to garbage can for their bottles’ especially when people are trying to represent and maintain their superficiality in a composed fashion… Whilst raising kids and having to struggle through all of their battles between themselves and all of these systems.
Correspondingly, today these systems make themselves apparent. They stop posting flyers and thrusting advertisements down my throat. They make themselves known, their superficial and genuine concerns melded so tightly together now, even I can’t tell the difference.
The irony silhouettes the only system that has ever proved to be both commonly and effectively used, the one I’m referring to of course resides within the method of not giving a shit. I therefore encourage you do to so as well. Give as little shit as you can, do whatever you need to; smoke whatever you need to smoke to get yourself through the day, and by no means don’t ever try and quit for anyone but yourself.
Hopefully though, when enough of the prolls have thrown at the rising mortality rate; so even blind saints can stare upon them in awe. Maybe then we’ll find the change we’ve been looking for, maybe then we’ll find a system that works.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Swollen feet cemented into wheat
Hey guys,
Everything is fucked up and fantastic. This week I’m definitely able to say that I’ve taken a step outside of my own body, and taken a look at things from someone else’s shoes. The only thing is, the bastard who let me borrow the shoes seems to have welded them onto my insurmountably blasphemous feet. Not only are these reject loaners three sizes too small, but they are both miss-matched and left footed shoes. The result has left me waltzing around town with absolutely no sense of balance and an authentically fucked up perspective on things.
This outlook that I’m referring to is in a sense, a retrospective manner, or even simply a retrospective way of thinking. Either way, so far it’s not a complete waste of time. The ability of being able to hit your mental ‘pause’ button at will is some what of a technique; one that I have not mastered yet. Though it is definitely something I’m able to appreciate. I’m fond of the concept of taking a look at the ‘big picture’ while you’re on the threshold of draping yourself passively over some moronic shenanigans. Saves time, you see.
Not only does it sometimes bowdlerize the hell out of my routinely “Damnit, why would I do this?” segment out of my work week; but the futuristic perspective that it offers is a tantalizing portion of the idealistic plan that I’ve formulated.
Appropriately, by widening my perspective on things it does truly allow me some different sides of different stories. Loquacious as I am, sometimes it’s nice to cut the shit; and just get on with things. That is to say, the fashion of understanding at first glance is comforting.
Furthermore, looking at the stupid community in general, as a race of obtuse and doomed people; makes things nearly fathomable. Instead of striving to comprehend the boisterous kind of frivolity that confronts me on a daily basis. This method keeps my emergency-sanity-stash well in stock, and the dangers of my brain imploding inside my skull at an all-time low.
So, I’ll keep on taking my time with everything. I’m really satisfied with the how steadily the abundance of sinuous turns having been coming at me; these winding roads are innocuous and educational. I feel as though I’ve been driving down the highway of change for a very long time. I only see that now, though things have picked up, nothing’s really effectively being changed either. I was initially under the pretense that this road was going somewhere, though apparently I’ve been speeding for nothing.
So, I’m going to humor myself with some faith and improvidence, keeping my eyes wide for any turns that are to come. If perchance one of these turns happens to be an exit to an alternative way of living, I’ll probably just tilt my head sideways like dogs do; just before going on a car ride or being thrown a treat. Hopefully, not too fixated on the permutations of joy and exitement to forget to signal before I get the fuck out of here.
Everything is fucked up and fantastic. This week I’m definitely able to say that I’ve taken a step outside of my own body, and taken a look at things from someone else’s shoes. The only thing is, the bastard who let me borrow the shoes seems to have welded them onto my insurmountably blasphemous feet. Not only are these reject loaners three sizes too small, but they are both miss-matched and left footed shoes. The result has left me waltzing around town with absolutely no sense of balance and an authentically fucked up perspective on things.
This outlook that I’m referring to is in a sense, a retrospective manner, or even simply a retrospective way of thinking. Either way, so far it’s not a complete waste of time. The ability of being able to hit your mental ‘pause’ button at will is some what of a technique; one that I have not mastered yet. Though it is definitely something I’m able to appreciate. I’m fond of the concept of taking a look at the ‘big picture’ while you’re on the threshold of draping yourself passively over some moronic shenanigans. Saves time, you see.
Not only does it sometimes bowdlerize the hell out of my routinely “Damnit, why would I do this?” segment out of my work week; but the futuristic perspective that it offers is a tantalizing portion of the idealistic plan that I’ve formulated.
Appropriately, by widening my perspective on things it does truly allow me some different sides of different stories. Loquacious as I am, sometimes it’s nice to cut the shit; and just get on with things. That is to say, the fashion of understanding at first glance is comforting.
Furthermore, looking at the stupid community in general, as a race of obtuse and doomed people; makes things nearly fathomable. Instead of striving to comprehend the boisterous kind of frivolity that confronts me on a daily basis. This method keeps my emergency-sanity-stash well in stock, and the dangers of my brain imploding inside my skull at an all-time low.
So, I’ll keep on taking my time with everything. I’m really satisfied with the how steadily the abundance of sinuous turns having been coming at me; these winding roads are innocuous and educational. I feel as though I’ve been driving down the highway of change for a very long time. I only see that now, though things have picked up, nothing’s really effectively being changed either. I was initially under the pretense that this road was going somewhere, though apparently I’ve been speeding for nothing.
So, I’m going to humor myself with some faith and improvidence, keeping my eyes wide for any turns that are to come. If perchance one of these turns happens to be an exit to an alternative way of living, I’ll probably just tilt my head sideways like dogs do; just before going on a car ride or being thrown a treat. Hopefully, not too fixated on the permutations of joy and exitement to forget to signal before I get the fuck out of here.
Monday, October 19, 2009
'i found narnia' 'no you didn't.' '.. oh, ok.'
Hey guys,
To start things off, my ears are healing wonderfully. I’m satisfied to say that they have both made enormous improvements, and with more consistency in treatment, they should be back to their normal (gauged) size within a little more than a month. Considering the severity of the damage that was inflicted to them, I consider myself very fortunate.
Work is also good, it’s nice to say I can go to the same job everyday, and still feel the need to burgeon myself against those around me. I enjoy the refulgent status someone of my youth can inflict on the wearied people that I work with. Sure, there are downsides to it like any job, these downsides however, are short lasting or fugacious at best. There is a certain irritability that can be invoked within me, when I have to record credit card numbers from the dyslexic, but like many things; it is easily remedied with but just knowledge, and some patience.
As for school, my mind is made up. I’m going to try and resuscitate several years of irresponsibility and misplaced insouciance in one final semester of high school.
This is probably the most financially unwise move I could make, what with more wasted time and the high probability that this will not be working out for me. However, in the reverie that I’ve found within the reserves of my sanity, this is worth it.
Within this delectation of chance that I’ve enveloped myself inside of securely, there is an unknown optimism that fuels me. Comparable only towards a small child that found Narnia, it’s an unreasonable source of optimism. But I am full of the exculpation and sense of wonder that I need to proceed; and like Rosy, I will dress myself appropriately for the esurient skies ahead me.
Already there are words of wisdom ringing in my ears, and they remind me dimly like susurrations of the winds and leaves that I hear every morning. Nothing quite distinct, just monotonous tones blended into repetition, and spit out onto blank cheques… not so much like the winds or the leaves though.
I dreamt rather vaguely about these words of wisdom, that ten thousand veiled faces we’re screaming rehearsed concerns into my skull. The ignorance of the modern man coated every one of their syllables like the silhouette of cold air on our winter’s snow.
I woke with a wearied mind, drawn out by their false sense of entitlement to my future. Seeing the parallels there, I’m going to start setting my watch at least 12 hours ahead of everyone else’s. In hope that the catalyst of time will also lead me under the false pretense that my future is up for debate at large. Not that I am concerned that my own sense of entitlement is being spread out evenly amongst the commoners, I don’t think it’s unreasonable that I should get a piece of that pie.
Correspondingly, I feel the need to ask myself some questions. Am I ready to the take the leap off a cliff that could land me in a potentially devastating pool of change? Or even more likely, leave me staring dully into the beady black eyes of failure? Absolutely.
That’s it for me this week; new blogs will continue to be put out on Mondays.
To start things off, my ears are healing wonderfully. I’m satisfied to say that they have both made enormous improvements, and with more consistency in treatment, they should be back to their normal (gauged) size within a little more than a month. Considering the severity of the damage that was inflicted to them, I consider myself very fortunate.
Work is also good, it’s nice to say I can go to the same job everyday, and still feel the need to burgeon myself against those around me. I enjoy the refulgent status someone of my youth can inflict on the wearied people that I work with. Sure, there are downsides to it like any job, these downsides however, are short lasting or fugacious at best. There is a certain irritability that can be invoked within me, when I have to record credit card numbers from the dyslexic, but like many things; it is easily remedied with but just knowledge, and some patience.
As for school, my mind is made up. I’m going to try and resuscitate several years of irresponsibility and misplaced insouciance in one final semester of high school.
This is probably the most financially unwise move I could make, what with more wasted time and the high probability that this will not be working out for me. However, in the reverie that I’ve found within the reserves of my sanity, this is worth it.
Within this delectation of chance that I’ve enveloped myself inside of securely, there is an unknown optimism that fuels me. Comparable only towards a small child that found Narnia, it’s an unreasonable source of optimism. But I am full of the exculpation and sense of wonder that I need to proceed; and like Rosy, I will dress myself appropriately for the esurient skies ahead me.
Already there are words of wisdom ringing in my ears, and they remind me dimly like susurrations of the winds and leaves that I hear every morning. Nothing quite distinct, just monotonous tones blended into repetition, and spit out onto blank cheques… not so much like the winds or the leaves though.
I dreamt rather vaguely about these words of wisdom, that ten thousand veiled faces we’re screaming rehearsed concerns into my skull. The ignorance of the modern man coated every one of their syllables like the silhouette of cold air on our winter’s snow.
I woke with a wearied mind, drawn out by their false sense of entitlement to my future. Seeing the parallels there, I’m going to start setting my watch at least 12 hours ahead of everyone else’s. In hope that the catalyst of time will also lead me under the false pretense that my future is up for debate at large. Not that I am concerned that my own sense of entitlement is being spread out evenly amongst the commoners, I don’t think it’s unreasonable that I should get a piece of that pie.
Correspondingly, I feel the need to ask myself some questions. Am I ready to the take the leap off a cliff that could land me in a potentially devastating pool of change? Or even more likely, leave me staring dully into the beady black eyes of failure? Absolutely.
That’s it for me this week; new blogs will continue to be put out on Mondays.
Monday, October 12, 2009
it's always self-inflicted
Hey guys,
This past week has been good, I’ve been weighing a lot of things internally and I’m pleased with the self drawn conclusions that I’ve come up with.
We’ll start with the downers first though. Late this week I suffered a blowout/infection on both of my ear gauges, needless to say the fault lies within my egocentric improvidence to see the outcomes of things like this. I’ve been treating my ears religiously for the last couple of days, and hopefully with enough care and some luck, they’ll end up back to normal.
My classes are okay, they leave me kind of insensate but that was obvious even when I picked them. Things get so dry behind those doors that my sanity is nearly palpable once it’s left me, it practically coats the doors and the ceiling tiles; so everyone can gaze up to understand the degree of my stultification.
But then, it’s Thanksgiving already! As of late, my senile tendencies have hardly been put on a brief hold, out of notice for the convivial jubilee of turkey. The abundance of close family and friends this last week/end has put me in a reverie of inebriation, and at times, a sense of tranquility built only upon sobriety and friendly faces.
It’s like the stubborn heterodoxies that we’re weighing down the shoulders of my family and I, we’re lifted just long enough to instill a sense calamity. This same sense of calamity instilled a very genuine inkling of true optimism and thanks.
When I looked around this weekend I gave thanks, not to the food or the wine, but to the plethora of relationships I had surrounded myself in. I gave thanks to all the forms of fondness that were inside of me, some of which I had not known about.
These relationships were based on many things, whether the bonds we’re tied through blood, marriage, association and even morose adaptations; that brought me closer to these relationships, in ways I truly did not think possible.
To be meticulous, I give thanks to all of You. All of the people surrounding me, you are all luminary holes in heaven’s floor, my own personal stars to give me something to look up to, when all else is surrounded in the blackest of skies.
Finally, the time I’ve taken to ponder my grievances has really seen this last conterminous of time pass without any alleged faults or regrettable actions. I’ll keep running at these hurtles with everything I have, with an unfamiliar, but refreshing glimmer of Hope pushing me forwards.
There is some small sense now, that with time and patience; things may eventually be okay, and I’m starting to try and grasp that.
This past week has been good, I’ve been weighing a lot of things internally and I’m pleased with the self drawn conclusions that I’ve come up with.
We’ll start with the downers first though. Late this week I suffered a blowout/infection on both of my ear gauges, needless to say the fault lies within my egocentric improvidence to see the outcomes of things like this. I’ve been treating my ears religiously for the last couple of days, and hopefully with enough care and some luck, they’ll end up back to normal.
My classes are okay, they leave me kind of insensate but that was obvious even when I picked them. Things get so dry behind those doors that my sanity is nearly palpable once it’s left me, it practically coats the doors and the ceiling tiles; so everyone can gaze up to understand the degree of my stultification.
But then, it’s Thanksgiving already! As of late, my senile tendencies have hardly been put on a brief hold, out of notice for the convivial jubilee of turkey. The abundance of close family and friends this last week/end has put me in a reverie of inebriation, and at times, a sense of tranquility built only upon sobriety and friendly faces.
It’s like the stubborn heterodoxies that we’re weighing down the shoulders of my family and I, we’re lifted just long enough to instill a sense calamity. This same sense of calamity instilled a very genuine inkling of true optimism and thanks.
When I looked around this weekend I gave thanks, not to the food or the wine, but to the plethora of relationships I had surrounded myself in. I gave thanks to all the forms of fondness that were inside of me, some of which I had not known about.
These relationships were based on many things, whether the bonds we’re tied through blood, marriage, association and even morose adaptations; that brought me closer to these relationships, in ways I truly did not think possible.
To be meticulous, I give thanks to all of You. All of the people surrounding me, you are all luminary holes in heaven’s floor, my own personal stars to give me something to look up to, when all else is surrounded in the blackest of skies.
Finally, the time I’ve taken to ponder my grievances has really seen this last conterminous of time pass without any alleged faults or regrettable actions. I’ll keep running at these hurtles with everything I have, with an unfamiliar, but refreshing glimmer of Hope pushing me forwards.
There is some small sense now, that with time and patience; things may eventually be okay, and I’m starting to try and grasp that.
Monday, October 5, 2009
change of change of change
Hey guys,
This past week has been good, everything is very steady. I’ve been juggling work and school with adept skill; while still able to budget myself some time for inebriation; and that’s what really matters.
So, the university and college representatives made it down to my school. It was sort of disconcerting, to be honest. While they went through their many routines and Question and Answer segments, it felt to me like everyone in the room had silently acquiesced to leave their hometown behind, along with most of the people they knew… Just kidding, this absolutely enthralled me; and it has since propelled me further towards my goal on getting the fuck out of here.
That being said, I guess the representatives could say their visit down here was efficacious for the most part. Though, like most things, that little visit got me thinking.
I’m aware that I’m really not all that cognoscente about hating on most things surrounding me, but I am fairly adept at the concept. This made me think as to why things have come to be this way, I’ve got a sound grasp that some people have a predilection to hate on the world; but that’s not me. At least, it wasn’t before.
Of course, this realization, among other things, got me thinking even more; which eventually triggered a chain reaction, which will without a doubt eventually cause my head to explode. However, it did allow me to envision my current conundrum through a different perspective… allow me to explain.
The esurient gaucherie that I’ve run myself into depicts itself like a roller coaster; a social roller coaster. Whereas most deprived human beings will reach their peak of this roller coaster around my age, where they make some heart-felt decisions; and are sent on their way. Taking winding, sinuous turns all the way down; but with at the very least, some direction. My roller coaster, it seems, has stalled at the very peak of its tracks just before the plunge. Like something got jammed in its tracks and created some kind of disgusting interregnum within my equipoise. Leaving me gaping down foolishly while everyone else would blow by in swirls of freedom and injustice, though some would hesitate to lend a helping hand, or perhaps the help of a power-tool; they were all too ready to truly take their own plunges. That’s definitely something I now respect and envy, had I been more responsible in the past, I probably wouldn’t have to deal with this illegible future.
It’s almost as though my ability to mentally ameliorate the situations here is growing better, which I have recently learned is one of traits of a sociopath; neat. To be honest though, I did used to look at post-secondary education as our own personal fountain of youth, where we could drown ourselves in our own debt and the invariable unknown. While I still acknowledge this, I’ve never been more prepared to drown.
The main thing that has been cleared up here, for me anyway, is probably the ‘why’ behind it all. I’ve always been one to focus on the change, negative and positive. I thought I was very knowledgeable on how quickly things can bifurcate around you, and I embraced that concept. Again, the problem lays dormant inside the false sense of knowledge and security I had built myself. I am tired of the change in Cornwall, I am tired of seeing the same changes occur over and over again, being able to understand pages worth of garbage at first-glance is not a talent I’d rather possess.
I guess I need a change of change, because at this point in my life, even the susurration of known change can be monotonous. I guess what I’m asking for is to be pushed down that roller coaster by a generous gust of wind, bringing me closer to an obscure purpose I’d embrace with open arms.
As always, thanks for the feedback and I appreciate that a good sum of you keep on reading. For the next weekly update, it’ll be posted next week.
This past week has been good, everything is very steady. I’ve been juggling work and school with adept skill; while still able to budget myself some time for inebriation; and that’s what really matters.
So, the university and college representatives made it down to my school. It was sort of disconcerting, to be honest. While they went through their many routines and Question and Answer segments, it felt to me like everyone in the room had silently acquiesced to leave their hometown behind, along with most of the people they knew… Just kidding, this absolutely enthralled me; and it has since propelled me further towards my goal on getting the fuck out of here.
That being said, I guess the representatives could say their visit down here was efficacious for the most part. Though, like most things, that little visit got me thinking.
I’m aware that I’m really not all that cognoscente about hating on most things surrounding me, but I am fairly adept at the concept. This made me think as to why things have come to be this way, I’ve got a sound grasp that some people have a predilection to hate on the world; but that’s not me. At least, it wasn’t before.
Of course, this realization, among other things, got me thinking even more; which eventually triggered a chain reaction, which will without a doubt eventually cause my head to explode. However, it did allow me to envision my current conundrum through a different perspective… allow me to explain.
The esurient gaucherie that I’ve run myself into depicts itself like a roller coaster; a social roller coaster. Whereas most deprived human beings will reach their peak of this roller coaster around my age, where they make some heart-felt decisions; and are sent on their way. Taking winding, sinuous turns all the way down; but with at the very least, some direction. My roller coaster, it seems, has stalled at the very peak of its tracks just before the plunge. Like something got jammed in its tracks and created some kind of disgusting interregnum within my equipoise. Leaving me gaping down foolishly while everyone else would blow by in swirls of freedom and injustice, though some would hesitate to lend a helping hand, or perhaps the help of a power-tool; they were all too ready to truly take their own plunges. That’s definitely something I now respect and envy, had I been more responsible in the past, I probably wouldn’t have to deal with this illegible future.
It’s almost as though my ability to mentally ameliorate the situations here is growing better, which I have recently learned is one of traits of a sociopath; neat. To be honest though, I did used to look at post-secondary education as our own personal fountain of youth, where we could drown ourselves in our own debt and the invariable unknown. While I still acknowledge this, I’ve never been more prepared to drown.
The main thing that has been cleared up here, for me anyway, is probably the ‘why’ behind it all. I’ve always been one to focus on the change, negative and positive. I thought I was very knowledgeable on how quickly things can bifurcate around you, and I embraced that concept. Again, the problem lays dormant inside the false sense of knowledge and security I had built myself. I am tired of the change in Cornwall, I am tired of seeing the same changes occur over and over again, being able to understand pages worth of garbage at first-glance is not a talent I’d rather possess.
I guess I need a change of change, because at this point in my life, even the susurration of known change can be monotonous. I guess what I’m asking for is to be pushed down that roller coaster by a generous gust of wind, bringing me closer to an obscure purpose I’d embrace with open arms.
As always, thanks for the feedback and I appreciate that a good sum of you keep on reading. For the next weekly update, it’ll be posted next week.
Monday, September 28, 2009
follower the leader, lemming
Hey guys,
This last week has been pretty good, my classes have been going good and those who don’t particularly wash themselves have been giving me a wide berth; so the essentials are ticking along smoothly.
Though lately there have been some mentions that university reps are going to be visiting my school within the next few coming weeks, this made me both excited and nervous. Seeing as how this year has been pretty sinuous for the most part, whenever the reps do visit, I’ll probably just go with whatever happens.
It did get me thinking about how things are going to go next year for me. Even though this year just started, things are going satisfactorily mellifluous; so I’m going to permit myself several months of anxiety while I attempt to figure out my future in the meantime.
The original program that I’d applied for was a split program between the local college here, and Bishops University. While this seems financially sufficient and acceptable, I’ve been wondering lately if it really is. You see, saving two years worth of room and board money would benefit me in exceedingly good dollar amounts and I would wind up ahead in the future.
However, lately I have been internally debating as to whether the price of my sanity is truly worth several thousand dollars. Seeing as how my creativity is typically sprung out of my cynicism, it’s possible that the more senile I go, the better I may end up at this towards the end; my reluctance lies in my wearied state to test this theory.
I don’t know, the real dilemma here is that I feel like a lemming. Though not your average lemming mind you, a conflicted one; the worst kind of lemming. While all the other metaphorical lemmings are throwing themselves towards oblivion with such misplaced certainty, I am the lemming that cringes at the threshold. Torn with envy and nescience, it seems I am the lemming yearning to discover the hundreds unfathomable truths in the world, but only able to realize them once I’ve thrown myself to the wind, so to speak… Hm.
As assiduous as I am to my own flummoxed and pessimistic perception, at this point all I really want is a direction. Seeing as how the end of high school really is only the ‘Start line’ of the rest of my life, all I want is an appropriate track for the race. Herein lies the problem, I’m tired of being told where I should run, and what track would be best for me; I rather pick my own track and arrive at the finish line with scraped knees and a smoker’s cough.
With a renewed sense of alacrity, I’m going to plunge my way through all the paths available to me. I’m going to work hard and make my choices carefully, before I allow myself to give into my voluptuary tendencies.
While I spend this week dreaming up my next several revelations, I hope the bulk of you keep reading, cause I truly appreciate the feedback; for those of you who are by some miracle still giving a shit about how things are going for me, I’ll see you next week.
This last week has been pretty good, my classes have been going good and those who don’t particularly wash themselves have been giving me a wide berth; so the essentials are ticking along smoothly.
Though lately there have been some mentions that university reps are going to be visiting my school within the next few coming weeks, this made me both excited and nervous. Seeing as how this year has been pretty sinuous for the most part, whenever the reps do visit, I’ll probably just go with whatever happens.
It did get me thinking about how things are going to go next year for me. Even though this year just started, things are going satisfactorily mellifluous; so I’m going to permit myself several months of anxiety while I attempt to figure out my future in the meantime.
The original program that I’d applied for was a split program between the local college here, and Bishops University. While this seems financially sufficient and acceptable, I’ve been wondering lately if it really is. You see, saving two years worth of room and board money would benefit me in exceedingly good dollar amounts and I would wind up ahead in the future.
However, lately I have been internally debating as to whether the price of my sanity is truly worth several thousand dollars. Seeing as how my creativity is typically sprung out of my cynicism, it’s possible that the more senile I go, the better I may end up at this towards the end; my reluctance lies in my wearied state to test this theory.
I don’t know, the real dilemma here is that I feel like a lemming. Though not your average lemming mind you, a conflicted one; the worst kind of lemming. While all the other metaphorical lemmings are throwing themselves towards oblivion with such misplaced certainty, I am the lemming that cringes at the threshold. Torn with envy and nescience, it seems I am the lemming yearning to discover the hundreds unfathomable truths in the world, but only able to realize them once I’ve thrown myself to the wind, so to speak… Hm.
As assiduous as I am to my own flummoxed and pessimistic perception, at this point all I really want is a direction. Seeing as how the end of high school really is only the ‘Start line’ of the rest of my life, all I want is an appropriate track for the race. Herein lies the problem, I’m tired of being told where I should run, and what track would be best for me; I rather pick my own track and arrive at the finish line with scraped knees and a smoker’s cough.
With a renewed sense of alacrity, I’m going to plunge my way through all the paths available to me. I’m going to work hard and make my choices carefully, before I allow myself to give into my voluptuary tendencies.
While I spend this week dreaming up my next several revelations, I hope the bulk of you keep reading, cause I truly appreciate the feedback; for those of you who are by some miracle still giving a shit about how things are going for me, I’ll see you next week.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
insanity is progressive, too.
Hey guys,
This week has been pretty reticent for the most part; the debacle with my classes was eventually resolved. As for the prepubescent children that cultivate these classrooms however, very little progress has been made. The most interesting and useful thing I learned this week is that the most productive (based on the terms of contamination, sanitation, and my extreme fear that ugly may be contagious) way to keep clean, is to carry around a small bottle of hand sanitizer.
In case of emergencies, I keep a bottle of Febreeze in my locker. It’s quite the effect to see the way these children will scatter when any kind of foreign (some might say clean) smells reach their nostrils. In the brief moment that I hold onto my Febreeze bottle for dear life, they all seem to become very aware of the threat of sanitation, and dart in directions only to save themselves. It oddly reminded me of gazelles running away when another, more dangerous (or in this case, bathed) predator was discovered within their midst. Please use the animal channel at your own discretion, to understand this.
Enough of that, though, the classes I’m taking currently are Accounting, Business, and Retail & Marketing. When I read this schedule aloud, a lot of people seem to be under the misconception that I’m dimly interested in these classes. I’m not. I had originally applied for Psychology and Philosophy; neither of which was available. This explains my limited, but very chilling association with the voluptuous prepubescent(s) thus far.
Most of the classes are desultory enough, when their not shoving down morsels of meaningless fact and knowledge down our throats. It seemed ironic to me when I found out they later expected us to, in full sentences of course, regurgitate in proper form, all of these tidbits of bullshit we thought was hard enough to sit through the first time . In my case the contents of my insouciant stomach would empty themselves across my page, only to reveal a full name, and obscene drawings of the instigator (or teacher) behind the plot to bury us in our own bed of meaninglessness.
It feels gratifying though, to go through so many hilarious routines and conflicts in the real world everyday. The same mixed emotions towards the children that I hate; Pity, that their mothers never taught them how to properly take showers. And Envy, oddly enough, the way they readily swallow whatever is defecated in front of them. It’s done in such a seemingly painless manner (no gag reflexes required) it makes me wonder if it might just be easier to accept that the world is full bullshit and ugly people, and to move on.
Like everything else though, it’s easier said than done. I’ve had the pleasure to meet a few individuals, who seem to, in a very mellow fashion, understand the same internal conflict this represents. They however have it figured out; they seem to have bought (or smoked) some kind of internal switch or mechanism, that can enable the user to simply not care at times, filled with nothing but glee, insouciance, and a large appetite, or the ‘munchies’. Though at the time they may not withhold the brain power to express these emotions, their intent is clear; while they look furtive and are easily overlooked, these people are the ones who have smoked their way through several years of bullshit.
Alas, I seem to possess enough logorrhea that no matter how many times I gain perspective on these kinds of things, they still seem to come out in the same jumbled and defibrillated tone. However, my acknowledgement towards the choice of these things and choosing the lesser of these two evils (silently rather than publicly) has got to count for something.
So while I wait for karma or some unknown force for compensation of the last 4 years of my life, I’m going to attend my classes and do what I’m told. To keep up with the progression of my insanity though, I’ll write again next week.
This week has been pretty reticent for the most part; the debacle with my classes was eventually resolved. As for the prepubescent children that cultivate these classrooms however, very little progress has been made. The most interesting and useful thing I learned this week is that the most productive (based on the terms of contamination, sanitation, and my extreme fear that ugly may be contagious) way to keep clean, is to carry around a small bottle of hand sanitizer.
In case of emergencies, I keep a bottle of Febreeze in my locker. It’s quite the effect to see the way these children will scatter when any kind of foreign (some might say clean) smells reach their nostrils. In the brief moment that I hold onto my Febreeze bottle for dear life, they all seem to become very aware of the threat of sanitation, and dart in directions only to save themselves. It oddly reminded me of gazelles running away when another, more dangerous (or in this case, bathed) predator was discovered within their midst. Please use the animal channel at your own discretion, to understand this.
Enough of that, though, the classes I’m taking currently are Accounting, Business, and Retail & Marketing. When I read this schedule aloud, a lot of people seem to be under the misconception that I’m dimly interested in these classes. I’m not. I had originally applied for Psychology and Philosophy; neither of which was available. This explains my limited, but very chilling association with the voluptuous prepubescent(s) thus far.
Most of the classes are desultory enough, when their not shoving down morsels of meaningless fact and knowledge down our throats. It seemed ironic to me when I found out they later expected us to, in full sentences of course, regurgitate in proper form, all of these tidbits of bullshit we thought was hard enough to sit through the first time . In my case the contents of my insouciant stomach would empty themselves across my page, only to reveal a full name, and obscene drawings of the instigator (or teacher) behind the plot to bury us in our own bed of meaninglessness.
It feels gratifying though, to go through so many hilarious routines and conflicts in the real world everyday. The same mixed emotions towards the children that I hate; Pity, that their mothers never taught them how to properly take showers. And Envy, oddly enough, the way they readily swallow whatever is defecated in front of them. It’s done in such a seemingly painless manner (no gag reflexes required) it makes me wonder if it might just be easier to accept that the world is full bullshit and ugly people, and to move on.
Like everything else though, it’s easier said than done. I’ve had the pleasure to meet a few individuals, who seem to, in a very mellow fashion, understand the same internal conflict this represents. They however have it figured out; they seem to have bought (or smoked) some kind of internal switch or mechanism, that can enable the user to simply not care at times, filled with nothing but glee, insouciance, and a large appetite, or the ‘munchies’. Though at the time they may not withhold the brain power to express these emotions, their intent is clear; while they look furtive and are easily overlooked, these people are the ones who have smoked their way through several years of bullshit.
Alas, I seem to possess enough logorrhea that no matter how many times I gain perspective on these kinds of things, they still seem to come out in the same jumbled and defibrillated tone. However, my acknowledgement towards the choice of these things and choosing the lesser of these two evils (silently rather than publicly) has got to count for something.
So while I wait for karma or some unknown force for compensation of the last 4 years of my life, I’m going to attend my classes and do what I’m told. To keep up with the progression of my insanity though, I’ll write again next week.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
back, for the first time
Hey, so this is officially my first blogspot post.
I guess it's kind of exciting doing this, but not really. When I decided I'd bother signing up on blogspot, I thought I could hold myself to a commitment of 1 blog a week. Though this seems reasonable, it's probably not going to happen.
Seeing as how I'm okay with a bit of 'vanity', I'll humor myself with my some very feeble attempts at writing anything passable as a 'blog'. Hopefully in the process a few of you will enjoy, or at least be entertained by how quickly this will go awry.
Now that we have the 'why' I suppose I could briefly skim over the remaining grievances that has led me to all of you today. I'm about 18 years old, returning to high school for 1 semester before I decide which direction seems most suitable for me to throw my life towards.
I guess I'm leaning strenuously in the direction of the department of English education, or creative writing. Though I'm fairly confident none of you would have guessed this, considering all the wit I'm able to conjure up for a blog probably resembles something like a 4-year old learning how to write in cursive. Except the child's attempt would be least funny to some, and would probably have at least some originality; whereas I'm just careless in my acceptance towards my very, very mediocre writing.
Oh, and my name's Dave. I guess it's kind of ineluctable that you'll all find I live in Cornwall, Ontario. So there it is.
Seeing as how I'm writing a bit more that I want to at this point, I'll try to bowlderize
how horrendous the first week back to high school has been. I walked back into the doors that seem to, without failure, steal the very essence away from my soul every time I go through them; this happend on Tuesday, September the 8th. It was nearly refreshing to see so many familiar faces I hadn't seen in so long, but the notion was quickly countered in the discovery of so many new faces that seemed to very slowly and consciously, drain my faith in the small concept for the evolution of humanity.
However, besides how ugly the kids were, the classes were miraculously worse. My first week was spent for the most part in the guidance office, attempting to remedy the disaster that was my schedule. It seems to have been take care of, and it's safe to say I probably won't learn one thing meaningful to myself this semester.
I guess it's always good to hope though, so I'll let you know how that goes next week.
I guess it's kind of exciting doing this, but not really. When I decided I'd bother signing up on blogspot, I thought I could hold myself to a commitment of 1 blog a week. Though this seems reasonable, it's probably not going to happen.
Seeing as how I'm okay with a bit of 'vanity', I'll humor myself with my some very feeble attempts at writing anything passable as a 'blog'. Hopefully in the process a few of you will enjoy, or at least be entertained by how quickly this will go awry.
Now that we have the 'why' I suppose I could briefly skim over the remaining grievances that has led me to all of you today. I'm about 18 years old, returning to high school for 1 semester before I decide which direction seems most suitable for me to throw my life towards.
I guess I'm leaning strenuously in the direction of the department of English education, or creative writing. Though I'm fairly confident none of you would have guessed this, considering all the wit I'm able to conjure up for a blog probably resembles something like a 4-year old learning how to write in cursive. Except the child's attempt would be least funny to some, and would probably have at least some originality; whereas I'm just careless in my acceptance towards my very, very mediocre writing.
Oh, and my name's Dave. I guess it's kind of ineluctable that you'll all find I live in Cornwall, Ontario. So there it is.
Seeing as how I'm writing a bit more that I want to at this point, I'll try to bowlderize
how horrendous the first week back to high school has been. I walked back into the doors that seem to, without failure, steal the very essence away from my soul every time I go through them; this happend on Tuesday, September the 8th. It was nearly refreshing to see so many familiar faces I hadn't seen in so long, but the notion was quickly countered in the discovery of so many new faces that seemed to very slowly and consciously, drain my faith in the small concept for the evolution of humanity.
However, besides how ugly the kids were, the classes were miraculously worse. My first week was spent for the most part in the guidance office, attempting to remedy the disaster that was my schedule. It seems to have been take care of, and it's safe to say I probably won't learn one thing meaningful to myself this semester.
I guess it's always good to hope though, so I'll let you know how that goes next week.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
